Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Struggle, struggle, toil & trouble!

After my last doctor's visit we decided to increase my Mepron to 2x week.  This is a good thing and a bad thing.  The good part is that hopefully I will be done with this awful disease by April, as planned.  The bad part is that I am REALLY struggling everyday now.  Lately, I have had this thought that the act of living is very difficult these wake up in the morning is a battle, to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom is painful, to collect my thoughts as to what I need to accomplish that day makes me cry because I am so get the picture!  I am trying to think positively and have hope that this will all be over soon but the hopelessness is winning these days.  The thought of having to go back to work makes me hyperventilate because I can't imagine trying to work with the way I feel right now.  But my mom and boyfriend keep reminding me that I don't have to go to work right now so I shouldn't worry about it.  And I will only go back to work when I am ready.  But right now I can't see the light at the end of the the tunnel.  I'm lost in the twists and the turns and I feel like I keep bumping into the wall. 

I am writing this blog today because I am grasping on to that last shred of hope that this feeling will pass.  And I need a written reminder to myself that it is the increase in Mepron that is making me feel so hopeless.  The increase in Mepron and crappy feelings are a GOOD thing!  It means the end is near!  Take it one day at a time and just keep breathing.  So here is my "Make Margaritas" inspiration for today:  This saying is written on the wall of my IV treatment room  Accept each day just as it comes to you.  Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances.  Instead, trust God enough to yield to His design and purposes.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Health and Intellect are the 2 Blessings of Life

When I first got diagnosed with Babesia I thought...this really sucks!  Well, Babesia just slapped me in the face and said, "You silly girl!  You ain't seen nothing yet!"  Ever since Christmas, I have taken a turn for the worse.  I seriously thought I was beginning to go crazy!  I started to become highly emotional, crying at the drop of a hat for no particular reason, and everyday it got increasingly worse.  Then I started having days where my brain just wasn't functioning.  I couldn't complete a thought, I was dizzy, I lost the ability to drive, I had a dull headache all the time, I was nauseous, and sometimes I felt completely drunk even though I had not had a drop of alcohol!  Luckily I had a doctor's appointment scheduled with my Lyme doc and she explained what was happening.  Apparently, my Babesia has reached a critical point and is beginning to die off which is causing me to have Hypoxia (deprivation of oxygen to the brain).  Therefore, I am NOT going crazy!  However, it does mean that my world has been flipped upside down.  I am no longer able to work and I have to go in for IV therapy of Zithromax and Antioxidants 2x week.  This is causing all kinds of stressors that I am not handling very well despite everything else.  With having to take unpaid medical leave for 3 months, how am I going to pay my bills?  How do the rest of you do this?  Applying for disability can take up to 2 years to get approved!!!  So many things are up in the air and not knowing where I am going to get money from is killing me slowly.  I break down crying multiple times a day over this and the frustration of not having a fully functional brain right now.  The fatigue is so extreme right now I cry because I'm so tired.  So, basically everything makes me cry right now.  I just feel like a big, fat mess!

BUT....I've defeated Lyme and I can defeat Babesia too!  So here is my "Make Margaritas" inspiration for today:
From the bitterness of disease man learns the sweetness of health.
       - Catalan Proverb

There is a lesson to be learned from illness and although I haven't quite figured out my personal lesson yet, I will be grateful for the wisdom gained! :)